Parenting with Danny (Part 1 - The Inside and Out of Control)

Raising kids … it can be quite an adventure! Your three-year-old is throwing
spaghetti on the floor; your ten-year-old doesn’t understand the meaning of “inside
voice”; and your teenager refuses to clean his room. From the time your children
emerge from the womb, you are crazy in love with them, but have you ever felt
completely helpless in having control in your own home? This last month at Shasta
High School in Redding, California, Danny Silk offered great tools to over 100 hungry
parents using Love & Logic methods and revealed what is often a brand new outlook on
having control of your household.

Classically, family environments are managed out of an external control
paradigm, where the parent teaches the child, “I am more powerful than you! You must
obey and comply, or else!” When this happens, the child is raised believing that the
external world is meant to control them. We want to express the Lord’s heart in raising
our kids and for them to be able to handle greatness. “I don’t want to train my child to
obey and comply - I want them to learn how to control themselves. Train them for an
adult life of limitless freedom,” Danny exhorted.

Now before you ask, “Well, then how in the world can I control my child?” Listen
to this truth, “You cannot control human beings, no matter how big a threat you present
to them.” We as humans are designed for freedom. We were given the gift of choice.
Try to tell a three-year-old what to do and I’m sure you’ll know what we’re talking about.
To show an example of this truth, Danny approached a very nice lady in the group
named Shirley. He stood about three feet away from her and asked her how she was
doing with that distance. She said, “Good.” He got a little closer; she replied that she
was fine. Then Danny asked, “What if I put my hands around your neck, held you to the
ground and won’t let go?” Everyone in the room laughed as Shirley replied that she
would bite him! Danny smiled as he said, “Now how did I turn sweet Shirley into a
homicidal biter? I threatened her self-control.” When you threaten self-control, you
trigger a “panic” response in people. They NEED to control themselves; it’s an inside
job. And guess what? Our children are people too! “You were given an impossible
assignment if you think you were supposed to control people,” Danny declared.

In parenting, children aren’t feeling the love when we react out of anger or fear in
order to have control. Using threats and intimidations to get what we want (even with
good intentions) will only destroy the connection with our child. Controlling your child is
not the goal. “Your heart connected to your child’s heart is the goal,” Danny said.

So how do we train our children to control themselves, since we can’t control
them? And how do we pursue connection? That is something you’ll just have to

discover on the next blog. Stay tuned! For more info, visit www.lovingonpurpose.com
and www.loveandlogic.com.

By Stephanie Foster (Intern for Loving On Purpose)