Relationships 101

A relationship class designed to equip School of Supernatural Ministry couples for strong, healthy, happy marriages? Taught by the Silks? You bet! This 5-week class at Bethel Church kicked off with an inspiring teaching by Sheri Silk. The room was filled with couples eager to learn more about what it takes to have a solid marriage. “We want to add strength to married couples and to give you tools,” Sheri told the group. According to a statistic that she shared, 50% of marriages today end in divorce, even in the church! So how can we build a love that lasts, a connection that never severs? “Danny and I spent many years disconnected,” Sheri said. “Connect, disconnect. Connect, disconnect. That’s how we lived. But now, living connected is our goal!” A huge component of staying connected is communication. “You can’t just expect that because you’re a human, you know how to communicate. Communication is an art,” Sheri told the class. Contrary to popular belief, the goal of communication is neither to convince nor to come to an agreement. It is simply to UNDERSTAND. Trying to control or make our spouse be exactly like us, doesn’t work. In order to understand each other, we must be vulnerable and speak the truth. “Everyone comes into a marriage with their ‘normal’,” Sheri said. “With their junk.” What you experienced in your family may have been dysfunctional, without you even knowing it. She went on to explain that when she and Danny got married, their normal was chaos, because that’s what they had learned. How you react to things, how you problem solve, and how you communicate to your loved one may not be “normal,” even though it’s what you assimilated growing up. Sometimes inner healing and/or counseling is what’s necessary for the work through ‘normal’ behaviors, like anger, passivity, manipulation, etc. Next, Sheri outlined the definition of “intimacy,” which is not just about sex. It is about “in-to-me-you-see.” Safety, vulnerability, acceptance, and trust are all key elements to building intimacy. “Danny manages himself towards me; I manage myself towards him,” she said. She then opened a power point about the trust/mistrust cycle, which shows how if someone’s needs are left unmet, mistrust develops. “Danny likes to drive fast,” she smiled. But when Danny drove fast with her in the car, it did not meet her need to feel safe and secure! And him not meeting that need was affecting their relationship. “Why are you scared? There’s no reason. I’m a safe driver!” Danny would say, but that’s kind of like telling someone, “You’re not hungry!” You may know your spouse really well, but their needs are going to be different than your own. Part of love is meeting those needs, even if you don’t really relate to them. “If I have to protect myself from you all day long, then we won’t have intimacy,” Sheri explained to the couples. Intimacy and connection is the goal! So now Danny drives a bit slower when Sheri is in the car, because he loves her and wants to protect her need for security and safety. Only the surface of the marital mountain of wisdom was scratched, but already there was a better sense of understanding of relationship. So how will you handle yourself in your marriage? Is intimacy and connection your goal? Stay tuned for more from the relationship class! Stephanie Foster Intern with Loving On Purpose